Whatsup bitches? I’m enlightened!

Oh what a great title, sometimes I just need to get that shit outta my system. I saw two teenagers walking to their car from the job site that I was working at today and as I observed them getting into their car It reminded me of high school and and how fun and adventurous it would be to ride around in my friend’s cars (I never had it together enough to ride in my own) especially if we had weed or booze or something to “do”. I imagined them going out to scam some chics or create some debauchery and what was cool was that it made me smile because I knew it was all good.
I started drinking when I was 17. My first beer was at my friend Michael Carruther’s house and I drank alcoholicly from the very beginning. One of the first times I drank I woke up with toilet paper taped to my chin and no recollection of what happened. I had blacked out standing up and passed out (I used to do that alot),and had hit my fathers spanish tile floor with my chin. I lived for the parties and I soon found Marijuana and I remember thinking with an uneasy feeling in my stomach, where have you been all my life? I remember buying the second bag of cocaine that I told myself I was going to sell and snorting it all except a little and the feeling that something else was in control. Yet I wanted more. I wanted to go further, and I did. My dreams of college faded a little as I was kicked out of school for selling pot. They never caught me with anything serious. I wanted more. I was going to do it my way. Lsd made me fall in love with other dimensions. I’ll never forget my friend Nate telling me that he remembered the night he watched me turn into an asshole. A couple of hits of brown blotter. It was speedy. After running away from my second guardian I was On my own I could do whatever I wanted so speed was next. The bathtub crank was very strong back then because the chemicals to make it were more readily available. I started scaring people. I scared myself a little. had been to juvenile hall and jail by now.I wanted more.
I wanted to be strung out on heroin with a cigarrette hanging unashed out of my mouth with nice clothes and a demeanor that said Im so fucked up I should be dead but Im not so what. My tools worked great. I got better at selling drugs. I hardened my heart. I met some friends who were on the same path. We were going to rule the world and we got to crawl in bed while everyone else was getting out of it to go to work, If we went to bed at all. I would stay up for days on end and wondered why I fell apart after day 5. I envied the cats who could stay up for weeks on end.Had the opportunity to learn how to shoot up the meth I was snorting and smoking but deep down told myself not yet.
My friend Rusty took me away from my Sacramento apartment. It was cocaine, pharmaceutical pills, and guns about that time. I got the last two from my chiropractor. I wanted the guns because I heard people talk about guns and drugs and how “bad” they were especially together so I wanted them both. Together. I remember telling him “But all my stuff is here.” He said “We’ll buy you new stuff.” Then it was nice houses in the Oakland Hills. Never mine. I never had it together enough. More drugs. Lots more. Good drugs. Gel tabs, liquid acid, Mdma, molecule, ecstasy of all types, 2,3,4 at a time. Morphine, valium became a new addiction. Hashish, expensive alcohol, better cocaine, mushrooms, more pharmaceuticals. Never sober. Almost always extremely fucked up. At least a few drugs being ingested at most times. Started to overdose periodically.
I will never forget the day I took the perfect amount of lsd in gel tab form. I was a mess. Yelling. Running in the house. Like a 5 year old on 10 red bulls. I remember my friend peggy saying “Buford needs a time out!” I went up to the roof to get some perspective( I was always climbing tall structures when I was that high and drunk) and thats exactly what I got. I was appreciating the beautiful surrounding hills of oakland and my new moonstone ring I had just bought from a custom jewelry maker who would make his rounds to that place to sell his goods. I actually picked out the stone and had him set it for me. I was in love with that ring. I was looking at how beautiful it was and how it shined and caught the light and the beautiful colors it contained. Everything was so beautiful. I had so much. I partied like a rockstar. I had friends who partied like me. I would work a few days of the month and party the rest. I partied while I worked. I had nice clothes, plenty of cash, lots of toys, all the drugs I wanted and I saw no end to it.
On top of all that, sitting there on that roof I felt in tune. I felt one with everything. I was the trees. I was the earth. I felt Love. Gratitude was pouring out of my heart. My mind was wide open and I truly believed anything was possible. I was feeling the true mystical magical mystery of it all. All I had to do was to feel. To feel good. It was all about how I was feeling right then. At that moment I shot out a whopping rocket of desire. I WANTED TO BE ABLE TO GET TO WHERE I WAS AT THAT MOMENT WITHOUT DRUGS. I loved drugs. I mean, I REALLY LOVED DRUGS. It was a new challenge. And I was just high enough that afternoon, and quiet enough up on that roof to have consciously been aware of it.
But not now. Now was time for more liquor. I had created a monster. It all had a mind of its own at that point. I knew this deep down. Was I scared. Yes. But I had been scared all my life. I now at least had medicine. More Meth. Drugs were my God. And Alcohol Is a Drug. That would have to do until I recieved a message that God wanted me back. I wanted More.
I found myself homeless. I looked at it more as inbetween homes. I was hard to handle and would get kicked out of alot of the places I went. Found friends from high school days and was introduced to phraternity life at Berkeley. I was In love. Sold them drugs. Moved in to the Frat house. ZBT. Jewish kids. More Cocaine. Alot more cocaine. Was saved from real prison time repeatedly in amazing ways. I thought I was “clever”. My friend at the time was a president of the fraternity and he let me move in after I promised to pay rent which I did once. I told myself this; “I’m tired of doing what everyone else wants me to do. I’m just going to get high.”
I wanted more. I wanted to see how far I could go. Thats what I wanted more than anything else. I moved into that room in the ZBT frat house, got a pet chinchilla, and smoked crystal meth. to keep busy I painted my room and sanded the floor. It was an amazing time. At points I felt so freaking amazing and so turned on tapped in and tuned in that I knew this couldn’t be wrong.
It was fun. Then It was fun with trouble. I started hurting people. I started hurting people badly. I remember a loved one telling me after a shocking confession I had made, “Your sick!”. I said the only thing I knew to say, “I Know”.
It’s funny to me right now because of the amount of suffering I was already experiencing at that point but I wanted more. I wanted to keep running. I wanted to see how far I could go.
Friends were getting busted. Friends were leaving the country with their drug money to escape the heat. My best friend came to tell me that one of our friends was a rat and to say goodbye. I remember how mad I was that he called me a “tweeker”. I asked him if there was anything I could do. He told me to keep my mouth shut.
I was alone then. And in debt. I fell off, I think(still not sure I didn’t push myself), the second story banister of the ZBT stairwell and almost broke my neck. No hospitalization. No doctor. More cocaine, Methamphetamine, Ketamine, Nitrous Oxide, Lsd and constant drinking if I didn’t have Speed.It was getting darker. Yes. Now it’s really dark. I can barely see.
Got kicked out of ZBT on Christmas Eve. It was hard to pay rent when I was so busy sanding the floor off my floor and smoking Crystal Meth. I remember on 9/11 I was so fucked up my friend called me in tears that we were being bombed and I told her to get some sleep. I didn’t believe her. I knew what I was doing. I was sanding my floor. It was around two weeks later that I had emerged from my room and was in my friend Blake’s room when I saw footage of the plane hitting the tower and flames explode from the tower. I asked Him what it was. He informed me that we had been bombed. I remember calling myself “The Devil” at that time I believe to inspire them to lower any expectations they might have of me, and to get just that much further.
I still had belief in duality at that time. If god were Light then I wanted the Devil because he was Dark. I was homeless again and lived with women who were sick enough to want me around. I remember the night I started hearing “voices” in my head. I believed I was reaching a stage of enlightenment, and was at that time truly losing my mind. Ufos(still not sure), FBI, (I was staying in a federal building) DEA(they were there but not after me) Illuminati, and everyone was out to get little old me.
Then came the time when I finally smoked just enough Crystal Meth. I was with two of the women that I was living off of at the same time and it was very uncomfortable for me that night. I was too high with not enough sleep. They mentioned that I should sleep probably for more than a few reasons.As I layed there in bed in that 8th floor of that government building on Caifornia and Van Ness visualizing unloading full clips of ammunition from an M-16 into the heads of all the people in my head who I thought were surrounding me on all sides I somehow fell asleep. I woke up refreshed and I don’t even remember getting high again I was still high from the night before.
I remember lying down on the floor. I think I got dizzy. Thats when things got interesting. I started hearing two sets of voices. The first consisted of people from my past. I mean from years back. The second seem to be a group of loving entities that were somehow guiding me through this. I would hear a voice from my past, I specifically remember Sherry Steinbrenner’s voice saying hello and then the other loving guiding voices would instruct me to say “I’m Sorry”. They wanted me to apologize to these voices one after the other and the funny thing is that after I did that voice would go away and a new one would appear for me to apologize to.
This went on for what seemed like hours. I was laughing at points(because some of it was funny), crying at points(because some of it was painful and sad) and every time I would make an amends My whole body would jerk. Im still not sure that that part of it wasn’t just part of a hiatal hernia attack. I remember my friend leaning over me and asking me if I was o.k. I told her “I don’t know”. This felt like it was supposed to happen.
My friend was leaving her house and my other friend was going back to the East Bay and I remember her asking me if I wanted to go or not. surprisingly I didnt. I felt wonderful. The fear was gone. everything had changed. they asked me where I was going to go and I told them I didn’t know.
I hit the streets of San Francisco broke and without a plan and I felt great. I didn’t know it but I was having a Satori experience. I felt as if i had finally reached that enlightenment I was getting so close to and as I walked around with no food or drink or rest or any spiritual practice to ground out what had happened to me I started having paranoid delusions on a grand scale. I walked around for three days. I took the ferry to Alameda. I was picked up for trying to take this bike that I thought my guides had left for me and was taken to jail. 4 hours on the cold floor and then released back into the night. I wanted it to end. I was suffering. I slept in the bushes that night very hungry. Woke up cold and hungry and terrified. Tried to walk back from Alameda to San Francisco without using a bridge. Found an official looking building and walked into it and was shortly thereafter picked up by the police again and then handed off to the paramedics. Off to the hospital and waking up to have the nurse tell me I was unresponsive as a response to me questioning why I was soaked with my own urine.
I believe after that experience and the things I saw and the realization that we were all connected and that my thoughts were actually affecting other people I wanted to come back. I wanted to come home. I deep down wanted to be off of the drugs and to be closer to God. The truth is that I didn’t see ant way that could happen. It seemed impossible and like it was just a dream.
I found myself homeless with a head full of confusion and so many more questions than answers. It seemed as if all my friends had abandoned me. They were just getting on with thier lives. I didn’t know how to do that. My father let me move in while I saved up money working in restaurants to move up to Lake Tahoe for another geographical cure. It was then that I saw my first UFO. What does it all mean? I was still trying to figure it all out.
I moved up to Tahoe to snowboard and ended up drinking alone in my room and trying not to smoke too much meth while working two jobs to support my habit. I remember looking for heroin because my usual medicine wasn’t working. At that point I was just trying to kill the pain. I wanted to come home. Back to the light. I felt like I was stuck in Hell.
I recieved a phone call from a close friend telling me “the boys” were looking for me. I cried with relief thinking that finally something made sense and that my prayers and spiritual work I had begun to do were paying off. Soon I was back in San Francisco and from there to Costa Rica where my buddies had settled to get away from the D.E.A. I was reading the Seth Speaks and getting the blueprint on how I was creating my reality while smoking crack cocaine and drinking with low dollar prostitutes. Where was I? Why does nothing make sense? Why am I in paradise and miserable as all hell.
I remember muling cocaine back from the states and not being able to hold the pellets in my bowels I felt forced to wash them off and swallow them again. As I looked at the mess in my hands it was very clear that something was very wrong. I didn’t know what it was. I just wanted back into the light. Darkness was getting old.
I got back into the states and told my girlfriend of sorts( I had no idea what loyalty was) that I had no idea what I was doing. It was as honest as I had been up to that point. She let me live with her for four years while I recovered from hard drug use and terrible back trauma. I still drank and smoked pot while working part time jobs to pay for my last two habits as I never did help out with rent or other expenses.
One day I was drinking and smoking weed while using a machete to do yardwork and almost cut my thumb off. I soon realized restaurant work was a thing of the past and got back into smuggling large amounts of marijuana from the northwest to the southwest. Money was good and health was bad and getting worse. I couldn’t keep on weight or digest my food. One Christmas eve I believe it was my friend i was smuggling with said he needed me for a job that entailed driving all the way back east and it paid 50,000. My stomach hurt badly as I lay on the floor telling him that it didn’t feel right because it was Christmas time and that I was ill.
There was a snitch riding with him on that trip who tipped off officials in the state of Oklahoma who in turn pulled him over with 3 million in cash and he is still in prison today. One more time I was saved somehow from serious prison time.
I was sick and broke and my girlfriend mentioned that I needed another job. I begrudgingly started looking and had my eyes on this fish store when one day that ever familiar friendly guidance from within said “Why don’t you just drop off an application to that bookstore?” I did so and was hired to my dismay and that ended up being one of the best things I ever did. My spiritual search for answers increased ten fold.
As my health continued to decline I started growing my own pot as it was the only thing that helped my severely imbalanced gut. I was losing weight and was tired and sick all the time. I wanted to be well again. Ididn’t know what the answers were but I searched diligently, constantly in between bong hits of my home grown pot. Law of attraction, meditation, The Sedona Method, the violet flame, Qi gong, and stacks and stacks of other books and techniques were surrounding me with what seemed like little to no avail.
I looked in the mirror one day very afraid and desperate and made sure I had tears in my eyes before I exclaimed; Help me! I finally asked for help. The next day a woman who approached the counter at the bookstore with amazing energy and I couldn’t stop crying hearing her clearing issues I was having that she had no other way of knowing I had unless she was gifted. I felt help had arrived. Upon seeing her my first time she told me that if I continued to put marijuana in my body I would be unable to feel my emotions and after hearing that I knew what I needed to do. I quit putting all mind altering drugs in my system that next day at 5 am on a tuesday morning. Besides one slip where I was harvesting my crop to sell when I ate some pot butter that i was making brownies with and truly had a mental meltdown that was the end of my pot use.
I continued to get counsel from this new friend and because she thought that there were parallels between me and my girlfriend’s relationship and her and this man that she wanted but didn’t want her she advised me that I was with the wrong woman. My head took that and ran with it. It was all too convenient to think that it was just because I was with the wrong woman that I was still so fucked up. It wasn’t long befor my girlfriend was asking me why I was distant and the only thing I knew to do was to be as honest as I could. The truth will set you free right? I told her what the psychic had said and she finally kicked me out. I was once again homeless and after being layed off from my part time job at the bookstore I had the inspiration to move back up to South Lake Tahoe for my second geographical cure to the same city. I harvested my weed and with her help 3 months later I relocated to Lake Tahoe once again.
I was here for three months trying to stop drinking and wondering why I could’nt when the Grace of god was imparted through my ex- girlfriend once more. She sent me some Audio cd’s from a Dr. Mccauley who was the naval flight surgeon who had instituted a recovery program for pilots with drinking problems with a 98 percent success rate. He talked about alcoholism and it being a medical condition. I remember asking her if she thought I was an alcoholic. I thought alcoholics were just people with no will power. I turned out to be very wrong.
At that point I was suicidal. I just wanted things to get better or to just die. Every day I woke up so depressed dying seemed like the only way out. I had been to the mental health department and they told me to Google stress relief techniques. I was already an expert. They had no idea. They gave me a card for the crisis-hotline and sent me on my way.
I tried joining a church, I tried joining a gym. They both helped to a certain degree and then came the day that found me with so much anxiety I was literally walking circles in my gym and the only thing left was to call the hotline and ask them where I could find a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was the only thing I hadn’t tried.
I went to my first meeting and did what they said. I went to meetings and didn’t drink in between. They said keep coming back and I would get better and I told them they didn’t understand. I remember sharing at a meeting about how suicidal I was and a kind lady took me to the hospital where I was put on different meds and afterwards she took me home with her where I was to stay for three weeks until I felt I was ok to be alone in my own home.
I will not lie the first year was pure hell. At 9 months my symptoms of ibs and hiatal hernia got worse and I was truly at a loss once again. I had put all of my spiritual studies aside to work the twelve steps and I rediscovered a book called Money and the Law of Attraction that was bought for me that first month that I decided to put away because I could’nt read. I finally could read again if I did so paragraph by paragraph very slowly. I got better. I got back into my studies. And finally, I found surrender. I didn’t understand why when I said “Thy will be done” I felt so much better. I do now.
I now have two years of sobriety and haven’t touched any mind altering chemicals except for my meds in as long. I celebrated my 2 year birthday two days ago on October 15th which is my sobriety date. I was able to quit my antidepressant medication three months ago and my new belief and feeling is that “it gets better the better it gets.” I believe that now because it really does.
I Feel that I have finally found my way back home to the sunlight of the spirit and that feeling continues to grow every single day. Words cannot describe the gratitude within my heart for the opportunity to live out this human experience today, and for the grace of Divinity that held me by the hand through the darkness the entire way back to the light that was always inside me the whole time. The richness of the contrast and the experiences that Ive been able to live through and the beautiful glistening gift that I call my life today is something that continues to blow my mind daily. I have once again come back to the truth that it is sincerely “all good”, and that it’s very, very nice to be back home.

A new freedom

As I continue to clean on what bubbles up things continue to become more and more amazing. And it’s not that I’ve become totally wealthy or that I’m travelling the world and living out all of my wildest dreams, even though it has been very dream like…(I’m not convinced that our dreamlife is less real than our waking one) Its more like this huge Gratitude that is growing in my heart for the peace of mind I am beginning to notice and for the realization that I don’t have to manipulate everything to my will and to constantly be worrying about how everything is going to turn out. I don’t have to worry about that anymore and that is still blowing my mind all over the wall daily.
I am becoming too tired to want to write, I just wanted to start this form of communication up again because for some reason it feels so therapeutic. At this time I am just writing because it makes me feel good and if it helps someone well thats just a win-win.
I am excited because tomorrow is my day off and i might go to Santa Cruz or hiking here in the Tahoe Basin, but before that I believe I will be picking back up “The Awakening Course” by Joe Vitale. And there are a few things I love about that. First is that I intuitively can feel that it will be hugely helpful to me at this point in the journey. I am also excited about the fact that I have decided, or divinity has decided rather, that I will be skipping the “Empowerment” cd completely as I feel I am clearly leaving that level and entering the level of “Surrender”. I feel good about the fact that I am finally learning the art of “non-finishing”. What a time saver. And finally I browsed the Surrender section of the workbook for the course and it starts of talking all about Ho’ oponopono. I feel pretty excited as I am sure that this course has bubbled back up into the forefront of my mind through constant cleaning and this is sure to be great. Thats the cool thing about incessant Ho’ oponopono is that I can usually be sure that something that is still around after a few rounds of cleaning is for my highest good. I make the only choice I have, to clean, and Love makes the decisions. It’s so deliciously wonderful. Good bye for now, I will blog again soon!)

Holy Sh*t

I’ve been off the antidepressant medication cymbalta for 6 weeks now. Ive been plotting my revenge on the the makers of the drug, eli lilly and the doctors who prescribed it to me. It is truly my own little personal hell I am living in right now.
Ive had a headache for two weeks straight, panic/anxiety, feelings of rage (was cursing at the wind today), I feel out of body, have suicidal thoughts, fatigue, food cravings, hopeless/helpless feeling, feeling of bugs biting my skin, mental spaciness, sweating all day and through the night, pain in entire body, feeling of just not giving a fuck about anything, and since there are more symptoms than I would like to mention here I will sum it up by saying that for most of my day I would rather be dead.Please believe.

I am remembering right now when I was first getting sober and I was afraid that if I didn’t have some sort of chemical companion in my body that it would only be a matter of time before I was reduced to a completely non-functioning mess rocking back and forth in the corner of my room with my lights off. Everything inside my body told me not to get on those drugs. I ignored my emotional guidance system and acted out of fear and I feel I am paying for it now.

I am not the only one who has done this. I have talked to more than a few people who have gone through rough patches in life and made the same decision that I did, to start taking antidepressant medication that our poor misinformed docs are so willing to prescribe.

It’s funny but when I practice Ho’ oponopono or other similar tools that remind me that we are all one and that there is no separation, I get perspective that allows me to get to a place where I can see and feel how all of this stuff that is pissing me off is actually inside me. A reflection of my projection. “The more of you that I inspect, the more of me I see reflect.” I see my unwillingness to really feel my emotions as a teenager and how that led to alcoholism and drug addiction from the get -go when those substances first entered my life. I see the collective society and our tendency to search outside of ourselves for relief. I see our scared little egos being reflected by the corporations we create that pillage and rape, live above the law and care not about the well being of humankind.It is all within me. Every single last bit of it.

“Confusion is that wonderful state right before clarity”.

I read somewhere that any given time there are three or four major challenges/issues that are floating around in our consciousness. I believe money and health to be usually the two biggest, then relationships and lets say…miscellaneous.It seems that for years i have felt extreme confusion around the subjects of money, health, and relationships and I cant say that has changed much over the last 22 months of sobriety when it comes to money and relationships. I can say that my mental health has improved greatly and my physical health seems to be returning even if its at a snail’s pace. I guess I thought that after I got sober I would have this amazing clarity in all areas of my life and while that sounds nice it just hasn’t quite happened that way.Anyhow thats all a little off topic so I will get to my reason for writing this post.
I returned home yesterday from an amazing mountain biking trip in the Tahoe Sierras and felt led to resume a study course I ordered online from Joe Vitale(internet celebrity and star of the hit movie The Secret) called The Awakening Course. This course goes through the different stages of Awakening starting at victimhood, then progressing on to empowerment, from there you enter the stage of surrender, and finally you get to the stage of awakening. Where I left off when I was last working on this course was the victimhood stage. At first I believed I had already progressed through this stage, especially after reading books like “The Four Agreements”, “The Celestine Prophecy”, “Seth Speaks”, and many others and all the work I had put into meditating and evolving my consciousness over the last 8 years. I wasn’t quite sure though, especially after recognizing that I still had some of the “victimhood” level issues still going on in my life.So I popped in the next cd entitled empowerment. This one sounded pretty good and I sat down on the futon to listen intently and expand my consciousness. Mr Vitale started talking about how when people get a hold of certain books, movies or other media that teach us that we create our own reality that we are able to progress to the next stage of awakening which would be empowerment. So I’m listening and he almost immediately goes into his “5 steps” for manifesting whatever you want into your life. I didn’t get past step two before I started feeling horrible. Step one I was o.k. with; know what you don’t want. Step two; change what it is you don’t want into an intention for what you do want, stopped me dead in my tracks.After all I was reading a book by the very same author called “Zero Limits”, (which I highly recommend) in where he says that he gave up intentions basically. That an intention is only a premonition of what inspired direction is next to come from your subconscious.Anyways I felt confused, disappointed, and just like I did when my 2nd grade teacher tried to hold me back from going to the third grade. After 5 minutes of hearing about all these “steps” I was so upset I drove to the store for an ice cream fix.When I got back I texted a friend to tell her I was on an ice cream binge( I felt led to do this), and after her asking me what started it I texted back that I didn’t know. She called me shortly thereafter and I explained to her the events of the evening and how confused I was and she cut me off and thats when things got interesting. She proceeded to inform me that the reason why I was upset was that I had already progressed through the stage of empowerment and that I was already onto the next stage of awakening called surrender. The words she used were perfect and I was wondering how much I had told her about this course. We are on similar paths but this is someone I hadn’t talked to for 10 years up until I got back in touch with her about three weeks ago. The fact that she was able to see my situation with such clarity blew me away and I am still dumbfounded.
So, as I went through my day today and especially after having talked to her on the phone again today, certain things started to make sense. I had already stated intentions. In fact I put them into affirmation form and ordered binaural beat meditation tracks with them in the background. I intended to get sober and got sober. I decided to move to the mountains to snowboard. I picked the house I wanted, the job I wanted and the roommates I wanted.I got all of it. I remember the faces of my fellow co-workers at the small natural foods store when I told them I just moved to town a few days earlier. They said they had a huge stack of applications from locals that had been coming in there for months.The car I’m driving now(an older mazda 626), was given to me after I practiced visualization for 9 days. I had been through the empowerment stage. I had been there for at least a few years. What a relief to realize this. Not that I didnt enjoy learning about all these techniques, visualization, affirmations, setting intentions and the like, I just didn’t want to do it anymore. I am growing past it. I had been practicing Ho’ oponopono for over three months now, and it quickly got me to a place where I realized I was screwed If all this were up to me.I have no idea what is best for me. In fact over all, in general, I don’t have a clue.So in hindsight it makes complete sense why thinking that i had to go through the empowerment stage again depressed the hell out of me. I felt like I was being held back in school.The earth school.
Today I am just brimming over with gratitude for this new found clarity as it feels like my navigation system is back up and running and I feel I know that I am o.k. and that someone is in charge and its not me. I feel like diving into this idea of surrender with more gusto than before.I would rather let go and let god than say affirmations and set intentions and wonder why I was still unhappy. I feel so much more peace now that I am learning that if I just do what I know to do to stay out of the way, that what is perfect for me at any given moment will just happen naturally. I have to say there is one thing that is really becoming true for me. It really does get better the better it gets.

withdrawals from antidepressants and help from compliments

So I’ve been reading a book called “The Four Hour Workweek” which is about escaping the 9-5 lifestyle and eradicating the deferred life plan, old ideas of retirement that just don’t work anymore and joining what is called the “NR”, the new rich, people who are abundant in time and mobility. I love the book and the ideas it contains. So at the end of each chapter the Author Tim Ferris included action steps that are intended to expand your sphere of comfort. The last one i did was for 2 days to look every person you talk to in the eye, (blinking so that you don’t look like a psychopath), and I did that one and this one called for asking for phone numbers of the opposite sex. This frightened me but it seemed important to do so I started last Sunday by asking for my first number. I made sure she was cute because that was part of my line and there needed to be a degree of honesty involved for me to be o.k. with it.The first answer came from a nice looking employee of a bagel store in town.”Thank you very much but I am in a very, very serious relationship”. I didn’t try anymore until yesterday after work. I was driving home and practicing Ho’ oponopono when i was inspired to stop at a mini mall that contained a Ross. The second girl was a very good looking blond who was from the bay area and I only know that because that was her reason for not giving me her number. I don’t actually have to get the number I just need to ask so i was already wanting to take off as she explained that she lived too far away, and she went as far as to ask my name and introduce herself.The third one was working in a pizza parlour across the parking lot and said it was creepy but she still gave me her email address and name and said “look me up in facebook”. Today after work was the third and she said it was very flattering but that she was married. The fourth was a brunette in the grocery store and I felt ok about doing this because the previous one i had to chase out to the parking lot. This was the best and easiest one yet, She had a boyfriend but also said that I had “a great smile”. Feeling better already and really wanting to hit the three in 5 minute mark I hit Kmart where I asked the first woman that fell in the “cute” category. She was pumping some lotion out of a lotion dispenser and I was quite entertained to see that she continued as i asked for her number. This was the fifth and the easiest yet. The 2nd and 3rd I actually had to shake hands with and I was dismayed to find that my hand was shaking. Today at work I even practiced holding my hand stiff so that it wouldn’t shake. I didn’t have to shake the last one’s hand but if it came up I would have been prepared. It actually was much easier than the rest and I then realized I had just asked for the number of three women and the amazing thing is that I was sober. I drove off with a feeling of accomplishment and completion.
Now for those of you that think this was dishonest or off color in some way let me tell you what Ive been
going through along the lines of antidepressant withdrawal for the last month and a half. I stopped taking Cymbalta 6 weeks ago and the withdrawal symptoms (which are too many to name here) come in waves and lets just say they suck.In fact if you are thinking about taking an anti-depressant I very strongly urge you to look into the side effects (usually starting with depression), and how easy or difficult it is to wean off them. There are forums and support groups all over the web filled full of people who are going through hell on earth trying to get off these drugs doctors prescribe so frequently. But at any rate I have been going through this for awhile and I noticed that when I received these compliments from these women I didn’t even know,(especially the last one who said that I was cute and that it would have been a yes if she didn’t have a boyfriend) I FELT RELIEF. Has it been so long that Ive been on one form of drug or another that Ive forgotten what a compliment felt like? I don’t know. But I felt better and whats more I noticed that all 5 women smiled really big and were definitely blushing. I think i made them feel real good, or at least it seemed like it.
So what I’m learning from this experience is that its not enough to meditate all day, I actually have to take baby steps at least toward the things I want to actually get anywhere. By doing two things a day to get myself closer to where I want to be I have accomplished many times more this week than I have in the previous few months. I also am learning how powerful S.I.T.H. through Ho’ oponopono is for it is the process that has opened me up to all this action. And Last but not least I am finding out how much I love win win situations. It seems that the best stuff in life is always a win win for everybody involved.For in fact we are all one.

Doughnuts and double cheeseburgers

I am so hard on myself. I hate it. Life is hard enough without the extra baggage i carry around when i am not at “zero”. I am on a special diet because of food sensitivities, and because i fell off it yesterday and ate a whole box of frosted flakes and chocolate milk with ice cream, (along with about 35 Hershey’s kisses) the ripple effect today caused me to eat a half dozen doughnuts and two double cheeseburgers and some fries from burger king. Immediate self loathing.Its bad enough to feel like i just swallowed rat poison because of all that i ate, then all the unconscious programs in operation culminate in a truly miserable state, adding insult to injury and i just hate it.
As i try to get through the rest of my work day my attitude worsens. I do make it through and fall asleep at the wheel driving home because of the healthy food coma that ensued.I don’t wreck and i do call a friend to check on her after i pull up in my driveway.I get ready to clean in me the things i anticipate her telling me she is going through and I start doing so immediately.Right about the time I am wondering why i even practice Ho’ oponopono she asks me how i am and I tell her all of the things i put into my body and how awful i felt physically and the guilt on top of that.As i kept thinking in my head, “i’m sorry”, “please forgive me”, “thank you”, “I love you”, one of the waves of clarity and peace i have started to expect from practicing Ho’ oponopono washes over me and she reminds me of how well i’m doing. I will get up and brush myself off. I will continue to grow.What comes up is exactly what i’m supposed to be cleaning on.Today it was my propensity to stuff Junk food into my face that i know is going to hurt my belly.More importantly it was the tendency to beat myself up for not being perfect and for eating foods that weren’t on my diet, yet another shared program.I can’t help but to think of how far I’ve come as i’m talking to her because she knew me when my diet consisted mostly of alcohol, supplemented with crystal meth, cocaine, pharmaceutical pills, hallucinogens
and a few other drugs. I remember overdosing once after a huge party in the San Francisco bay area and having no idea what straw broke the camels back because i had about 11 different drugs in my system.Moral of that story, don’t do cocaine and mushrooms at the same time.Moral of today, I’m doing a damn good job living my life considering what I’ve been through and the challenges ive had to overcome. Ive tried to kill myself slowly with drugs and it didn’t work. It was the only thing i knew that provided relief. Now i have other tolls in my toolbox and I am grateful for that.I am just beginning this Spiritual journey and i need to remember that.The funny thing about Ho’ oponopono is that if i do it incessantly, i will definitely be experiencing some dark moments, but right when i’m starting to say wtf? Clarity comes and things just work out in a way that i couldn’t improve on even if i had hindsight. What can I say? It just freaking works out.
So what did i learn today? Things are fine. I am not in charge, and it’s o.k. to eat doughnuts and double cheeseburgers.

Hello world!

I first want to say I love you. That is what this blog is all about. This blog is all about “cleaning” so that we can return to zero. Return to Love, to what we really are. Love is all we need and it is sufficient. It has taken me 33 years to remember this.I will be cleaning on this blog as it evolves and hopefully it will unfold effortlessly not unlike a beautiful rose.I have felt inspired to start a blog for some time and am grateful the divine has led me to do so. I have no clue what I am doing and i am learning that this is o.k.I am looking forward to the first comment. Thank you, I love you.