Doughnuts and double cheeseburgers

I am so hard on myself. I hate it. Life is hard enough without the extra baggage i carry around when i am not at “zero”. I am on a special diet because of food sensitivities, and because i fell off it yesterday and ate a whole box of frosted flakes and chocolate milk with ice cream, (along with about 35 Hershey’s kisses) the ripple effect today caused me to eat a half dozen doughnuts and two double cheeseburgers and some fries from burger king. Immediate self loathing.Its bad enough to feel like i just swallowed rat poison because of all that i ate, then all the unconscious programs in operation culminate in a truly miserable state, adding insult to injury and i just hate it.
As i try to get through the rest of my work day my attitude worsens. I do make it through and fall asleep at the wheel driving home because of the healthy food coma that ensued.I don’t wreck and i do call a friend to check on her after i pull up in my driveway.I get ready to clean in me the things i anticipate her telling me she is going through and I start doing so immediately.Right about the time I am wondering why i even practice Ho’ oponopono she asks me how i am and I tell her all of the things i put into my body and how awful i felt physically and the guilt on top of that.As i kept thinking in my head, “i’m sorry”, “please forgive me”, “thank you”, “I love you”, one of the waves of clarity and peace i have started to expect from practicing Ho’ oponopono washes over me and she reminds me of how well i’m doing. I will get up and brush myself off. I will continue to grow.What comes up is exactly what i’m supposed to be cleaning on.Today it was my propensity to stuff Junk food into my face that i know is going to hurt my belly.More importantly it was the tendency to beat myself up for not being perfect and for eating foods that weren’t on my diet, yet another shared program.I can’t help but to think of how far I’ve come as i’m talking to her because she knew me when my diet consisted mostly of alcohol, supplemented with crystal meth, cocaine, pharmaceutical pills, hallucinogens
and a few other drugs. I remember overdosing once after a huge party in the San Francisco bay area and having no idea what straw broke the camels back because i had about 11 different drugs in my system.Moral of that story, don’t do cocaine and mushrooms at the same time.Moral of today, I’m doing a damn good job living my life considering what I’ve been through and the challenges ive had to overcome. Ive tried to kill myself slowly with drugs and it didn’t work. It was the only thing i knew that provided relief. Now i have other tolls in my toolbox and I am grateful for that.I am just beginning this Spiritual journey and i need to remember that.The funny thing about Ho’ oponopono is that if i do it incessantly, i will definitely be experiencing some dark moments, but right when i’m starting to say wtf? Clarity comes and things just work out in a way that i couldn’t improve on even if i had hindsight. What can I say? It just freaking works out.
So what did i learn today? Things are fine. I am not in charge, and it’s o.k. to eat doughnuts and double cheeseburgers.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s