Holy Sh*t

I’ve been off the antidepressant medication cymbalta for 6 weeks now. Ive been plotting my revenge on the the makers of the drug, eli lilly and the doctors who prescribed it to me. It is truly my own little personal hell I am living in right now.
Ive had a headache for two weeks straight, panic/anxiety, feelings of rage (was cursing at the wind today), I feel out of body, have suicidal thoughts, fatigue, food cravings, hopeless/helpless feeling, feeling of bugs biting my skin, mental spaciness, sweating all day and through the night, pain in entire body, feeling of just not giving a fuck about anything, and since there are more symptoms than I would like to mention here I will sum it up by saying that for most of my day I would rather be dead.Please believe.

I am remembering right now when I was first getting sober and I was afraid that if I didn’t have some sort of chemical companion in my body that it would only be a matter of time before I was reduced to a completely non-functioning mess rocking back and forth in the corner of my room with my lights off. Everything inside my body told me not to get on those drugs. I ignored my emotional guidance system and acted out of fear and I feel I am paying for it now.

I am not the only one who has done this. I have talked to more than a few people who have gone through rough patches in life and made the same decision that I did, to start taking antidepressant medication that our poor misinformed docs are so willing to prescribe.

It’s funny but when I practice Ho’ oponopono or other similar tools that remind me that we are all one and that there is no separation, I get perspective that allows me to get to a place where I can see and feel how all of this stuff that is pissing me off is actually inside me. A reflection of my projection. “The more of you that I inspect, the more of me I see reflect.” I see my unwillingness to really feel my emotions as a teenager and how that led to alcoholism and drug addiction from the get -go when those substances first entered my life. I see the collective society and our tendency to search outside of ourselves for relief. I see our scared little egos being reflected by the corporations we create that pillage and rape, live above the law and care not about the well being of humankind.It is all within me. Every single last bit of it.